02 The journey
I’ll handle it.
I have spent over a decade delivering complex, mission-critical audiovisual systems. Environments where the technology has to work live, in front of an audience, with zero exceptions. That kind of pressure forges an invaluable reflex: composure while rapidly diagnosing root causes and preventing downstream failures. When time and resources are scarce, ingenuity takes over, and it keeps revealing the same thing.
The symptom is rarely the problem.
But there was an unseen cost.
Deliveries like that were more common than not, and their success demanded that I absorb the stress they created. When no level of coping or substance could relieve the pain of that unsustainable relationship, I realized I was the system that was overheated, running old code, and expected to perform.
That expectation didn’t come only from the client or the company. It came from myself. The satisfaction I received from accomplishing the mission became a way of validating my own self-worth through performance.
The technical systems I worked on became a poetic representation of the systems in my life and my body. When I pushed myself past healthy limits just to prove I was “good enough,” things broke along the way.
The system was screaming for change, but I kept treating the failure like user error.
I did climb a mountain once, with a friend, to get to the top and look down. We reached it having both thought the same thing on the way up: there has to be a different way. From up there we could see it. It was not at the top. It was in the soil.
